Putting the B in it
Essay on Internalized biphobia
As a product of a single mother and proud defender of single mothers rights.I know that to examine my mother in any faults feels almost like blasphemy.
Because I know the full story, I was there.
I know how hard she worked.
I know how many times she was beat up by the world but kept going because she had me.
I know How many times she was pushed to the edge of everything she could handle and still kept fighting.
But putting parental guilt aside you should always remember that nothing you can ever say, write, create, could ever take away from the story or experience you had. Same to myself because my mother and whoever you choose to write about is a human. That inheardly comes with faults, lack of judgment, and yes homophobia or more so in this case biphobia.
Homophobia is the irrational hatred, intolerance, and fear of lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people. These negative feelings fuel the myths, stereotypes, and discrimination that can lead to violence against LGB people.
Biphobia is an aversion toward bisexuality and bisexual people as individuals. It can take the form of denial that bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation and can be experinced from both people that are homophobic and from ones who aren’t. It’s possible to be biphobic without being homophobic, as sayings like “you’re either straight, gay or lying” make clear.
It’s been discussed, studied, and reported how our parents’ biases and prejudices can impact us. Carving out opinions and perspectives that could take years to unpack or unlearn. This I found was the case when it came to internalized biphobia. When I brought up to my mother in high school that I was going to identify as bisexual and she responded simply, “did I fail you as a mother?”. Without realizing it that day my mother planted seeds of biphobia that I still have to work through to this day even long after not fully identifying as bisexual anymore.
My mother is the first to tell you she was sheltered as a child. Growing up naive to the word, and people outside of the stand-up ones she met in her small town. This led to unfortunate encounters with men that she perceived as failures due to them, not being picture-est like what she grew up seeing. As a result of this framework, she looked to me that day scared that she had shown me the opposite of what she grew up seeing. Causing me to want the opposite of her life.
Leaving for college gave me hopes of exploring my new community that encouraged self-expression, acceptance, and love. But was only met with more biphobia causing me to go back into the closet. The invalidating of the bisexual identity and the erasure of bisexuality is prevalent within the intended inclusive LGBTQ+ community which only increased inner disdain for myself. Maybe the girls I attempted to communicate with was right “bisexual isn’t a thing you always lean closer to one side.” and maybe my mom was right that I should just “pick a man so she can have grandkids’’.
To me, the only definitive thing I learned by watching my mother was that I wanted to be with someone who met my standards as well as I did there, so we could love and grow together as partners. With gender identity becoming more well known to be on a spectrum as opposed to the binary two options, the idea that someone could choose to love someone who chooses to identify wherever they choose on that spectrum baffles me. But with that, I had to unlearn statements made by my mother in her unknowledgeable state. Along with forgetting things others in the LGBTQ+ community have said to me. And even though I no longer identify with bisexuality I still had to take the time to unpack and come to peace with the phobia that was home-grown within me. Because wherever your identity on any of the spectrums is valid.
Foundations for black LGBTQ+
